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Pedophile Nazi Wins Oscar! Pedophile Priest Loses To Corpse!

How gay were the Oscars? Well, Queen Latifah sat with her trainer girlfriend; Hugh Jackman sat on Frank Langella‘s lap; Beyonce sang “Over The Rainbow“; Milk writer Dustin Lance Black and star Sean Penn gave stirring speeches about how God loves the gays; and kisses from that film were included in the romance AND comedy montages!

Unfortunately, the ratings were probably so bad they can now blame queers for one more thing!

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As for the winners, Penelope Cruz copped Supporting Actress, and now they can advertise the upcoming movie Nine as “starring SIX Oscar winners!”

Dying poignantly proved to be the right career move for Heath Ledger, who thankfully nabbed the award–if anyone else had done so, they’d surely be the most hated man on the planet.

And Sean Penn won Best Actor, not only because he was terrific, but because the Oscars love nothing more than a straight person who plays gay, especially if he dies at the end. Only Jake Gyllenhaal broke this rule, maybe because they weren’t sure he’s straight?

But those musical numbers! They were so witless and choppy that Marc Shaiman had to leave a message on a Broadway chat board saying, “For the record, I had nothing to do with the musical numbers this year. ‘Nuff said.”

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Beyonce At Burger King? So Says Cazwell!

Downtown darling and musical artist/promoter/DJ Cazwell is on his way to superstardom with his song “I Seen Beyonce At Burger King,” the video for which has drawn 650,000-plus hits on YouTube and counting. Take a cholesterol-filled bite and see if you believe that Beyonce was really shoving two cheeseburgers, onion rings, a chocolate shake, fries, chicken strips, and apple pie down her velvety throat and then asking Cazwell to cover for the dough to pay for it.

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More important than whether this scenario reeks of documentary realness, though, is the fact that the clip (also starring Jonny Makeup) is funny, bouncy, and quite droll. I can’t knock one particular exchange out of my little head: “She was eatin’.” “She was what?” “She was eatin’.” “Oh.”

If she WAS eatin’, I had no idea that when Beyonce sings “Put a ring on it,” what she really means is an ONION ring!

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Beyoncé on SNL: A Fount of Both Intentional and Unintentional Comedy

So here we have Beyoncé on Saturday Night Live, performing “If I Were a Boy” with a cheerfully aggro all-female version of the Dirtbombs, two drummers drumming, three singers taunting, four calling birds, eight lords a-leaping, etc. This is a pretty fantastic song, actually, its melancholy melody somewhat subsumed here though by both her habit of staring down the camera and, yes, the wind machine. Also, to be blunt, the most dramatic thing about this performance is the constant looming threat of disastrous wardrobe malfunction.

Of course here’s the video everyone rightly seized on. As Weird Al taught us long ago, the greatest compliment you can pay the far peppier “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” — and the video especially — is that it’s already inspired a top-shelf parody. (Would Justin Timberlake’s permanent residence on this show make it actually tolerable? Oh yes.) That she performed the song pretty much straight about 15 minutes later is kind of odd, maybe, but dig the false-ending faux-headbang finale. Nonetheless, dollars to donuts Solange’s album still turns out to be better.