Why I Hate Social Media! Don’t ‘Like’ This Column!

I hate social networking media even more than yucca fries! Here are 25 tweetable, postable reasons why. (Add your own smiley face.)

I communicate every day with dozens of people I’ve never met. Meanwhile, real friends never call…. People beg you to “like” their page, as if that will somehow add substance to their yearning existence. Sadistically, I withhold all “liking.” Hahahahahaha…. Gushy people in the provinces message you that they adore your work and are dying to be “friends” because you’re so witty and amazing and they just want to soak in the glow of your greatness. You approve them, then they instantly start pitching their graphic novel that they’re desperate for you to write about…. My “friends” usually comment on the titles of my posts without bothering to read the link. It’s irritating, but I guess you’re supposed to be grateful that they did that much.

The hardest trick in town is to write a nasty comment in response to someone who’s left some hate on your page, then quickly “unfriend” them so they can’t respond to your response, but I’ve got it down to a science…. Whenever someone on a Facebook thread is losing an argument, they put in their last bitter words, then sign off with “Off to the gym.” That’s code for “I’m dying here, so I’m going to act like I won the battle and pretend to not read the rest of the comments.” As if they couldn’t add some more whiny remarks from the gym anyway! … Facebook messaging opens you up to a world of numbing conversational ice breakers like “Hey” and “How r u?” I’m deeply lonely, but not so much that I’d answer those inane come-ons…. Facebook friends kiss your ass all day and post dozens of photos of you, giving you the illusion of international fame. Then you leave the house and realize no one knows who you are.

When I write a pleading comment like “Let’s leave Lindsay alone for a second,” someone will immediately reply, “She should die in a car wreck, the low-life skanky cooze.” … Also, if you post something about, let’s say, the 100 best child stars of all time, no one will comment on any of those choices, but people will line up to squawk, “You forgot Anna Chlumsky! And the kids from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!” … Being tagged in a photo that has nothing to do with you is a nightmare, and you can’t untag yourself since it was posted by someone you’re having lunch with the next day.

All day long I get requests from a parade of whiners begging me to join LinkedIn. This has gone on for five years! I ain’t linking in, people! … But I am on Twitter, and I even tried putting hash tags on every tweet to get extra followers, but it didn’t work, so I stopped that. Besides, why add bells and whistles to a brain flatulence when the whole point is to keep things short and insubstantial? … Tweeting a lot is supposed to help your career, but the more you do it, the more people think, “He doesn’t have a life, does he?” (They seem to forget that they’re sitting there reading them all day.)

Celebrities hardly ever answer serious tweets from a respected journalist—or from me—but they’ll reply to any bozo in the hinterlands who happens to offend them. (“My mother sucks cocks in hell? Oh, yeah? Well, it’s your mother’s cock!”) They’ll even respond to people with nine followers! … My followers “favorite” my tweets all the time. WTF good is that gonna do me? That’s the equivalent of “liking” something on Facebook. Either retweet it or just mind your own freakin’ business…. If I tweet “I just made potato leek soup,” it gets as many retweets as one of my breaking stories that could change cultural history. Maybe I should just stick to recipes…. Blocking Twitter nightmares after you tell them off is as rapid-fire a game as unfriending the Facebook haters, and it’s every bit as gratifying.

I’ve “followed” people as a complete charity fuck, only to realize they never followed me back. I usually decide to unfollow them, then start wondering if it’s worth giving them that much power…. You lie and tell someone you have to stay home and work the night they’re having a birthday party, only to have people tweet that you’re actually at Whole Foods, then a club, then an after party, then riding your bike in circles. Busted times four…. Why look at cute photos of cats on Instagram when you can see them actually moving and making sounds on YouTube?

The “yawn” trolls, “Does it matter?” gnomes, and “Slow news week?” creeps are the most annoying people in Christendom. Nothing is more boring than some dullard who spends the day pissing on other people’s parties. When you write “Man killed on subway” and they reply “yawn,” you want to bash in your screen but settle for a quick blocking action…. Social media provide the irritating chance for people to spew the same exact things in different places. When I dressed like Angelina for the year-end Voice cover, a guy Facebooked me that I actually looked like Stockard Channing, then he tweeted the same hilarious observation, and then he e-mailed me, “Happy New year! I thought it was Stockard Channing on the cover, lol.” Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off…. At the theater, a guy I hung with last year kept saying, “I’m one of the few people who’s not using you. I like you for you.” Then I noticed him looking down and tinkling the ivories on his cell phone. It turned out he was putting on Facebook, “I’m with Michael Musto!” … Even more tragically, I was flattered….