I Just Drank 100 Ounces Of Mt. Dew In 90 Minutes. Screw You, Mike Bloomberg


Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s dopey “Big-Gulp Ban” was approved by a city health council this morning — which means one thing: a sophomoric, unhealthy and immature gesture needs to be made on someone’s part.

That said, I have just finished my 100th ounce of Mt. Dew in roughly 90 minutes. I’m pretty sure my heart’s about to explode and I’m fairly certain I’ve given myself diabetes — all in the spirit of civil rights, of course.

Some people (read: no people) might consider my stand against soda-bullying heroic — certainly Gandhi and Dr. King took similar stands against ruthless oppression. But my intention is not be lauded as a hero, it’s simply to point out that Bloomberg’s ban is a stupid idea that will do nothing to prevent obesity, which is the mayor’s intention.

First and foremost, I don’t even like Mt. Dew. Hate it, actually — it’s a color that doesn’t appear anywhere in nature and tastes like citrus-y cat piss. But as far health risks go, it’s about as bad as it gets.

For further reading on Bloomberg’s ban, visit our Nanny-State of Mind Archives.

That said, you can buy 50 ounces of it for less than two bucks at any 7-Eleven. Under Bloomberg’s ban, you will still be able to buy 50 ounces of it for less than two bucks at any 7-Eleven. However, you would only be able to buy it in a 16 ounce container at the pizza place located directly next door, which has restaurant owners worried about losing revenue to businesses not subject to the ban.

Makes complete sense — if you’re a fucking idiot.

As I mentioned, I currently feel like I’m about to die — this crap has given me a brutal headache, my stomach is in knots from the enormous amount of sugar I just dumped into it, and I’m as jittery as a crackhead who couldn’t score any rock. Needless to say, I will not be drinking 100 ounces of Mt. Dew again anytime soon. And that’s because I’m a grownup.

One of the many advantages to being an adult is not having to listen to people who want to tell you what you can and can’t eat. If I want cupcakes and beer for breakfast, I eat cupcakes and drink beer for breakfast. I then deal with the consequences — like the sugar-induced seizure I’m approaching right now — and learn from any mistakes (like drinking 100 ounces of Mt. Dew in 90 minutes).

Bottom line: Bloomberg’s ban will do nothing to curb obesity — it will only hurt businesses and piss off people who don’t need an elderly billionaire to wipe their asses for them.