Ten Gays Who Could Beat The Crap Out Of Manny Pacquiao


*UPDATE: since this post was published, the “journalist” who claimed Pacquiao quoted a Bible verse calling for the death of all things homosexual has come clean — he admits Pacquiao never said it. Get the details here.

As we reported in a previous post, Filipino boxer/congressman/Roman Catholic Manny Pacquiao doesn’t agree with President Barack Obama (and the majority of Americans) that gay people should have the right to get married. Not only doesn’t Pacquiao agree with Obama, he cites a passage in the bible that says gay people “must be put to death.”

There’s no question that Pacquiao’s a tough little guy. But he’s still a little guy (5-foot-6 and 144 pounds) — and killing off gays one-by-one might be a slightly more difficult task than the feisty Filipino might think.

Despite the stereotypes, there are some pretty tough dudes out there who just happen to prefer a penis — and could probably kick the shit out of that pipsqueak Pacquiao. We’ve listed 10 of our favorites below.

10) British Powerlifter Chris Morgan: Chris Morgan is a British financial adviser who describes himself as a “raving queen.” He’s also a professional weightlifter who’s won six British powerlifting championships — so we don’t think Morgan would have too much trouble when matched against a puny 144-pound Filipino.

9) Brokeback Mountain’s Ennis Del Mar: Pacquiao may be the best “pound-for-pound” fighter in boxing today, but he doesn’t have farm-boy strength, which is essential when herding cattle, bailing hay, or kicking the shit out of Bible-beating assholes like Pacquiao. After all, it was quickly decided (after a brief fight-kissing scene) that Del Mar was the “top” in his forbidden relationship.

8) Dennis Rodman: Rodman’s not technically all-the-way gay, but he does enjoy the “whiskered embrace of a man.” During his NBA career, Rodman was a rebound machine. His toughness under the basket — in our humble opinion — would translate into toughness in the ring (not to mention, he’s a full foot taller than Pacquiao and is more than 80 pounds heavier).

7) Marcus Bachmann: Marcus Bachmann, the totally not gay husband of former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, is so not gay, his heterosexuality is intimidating. Bachmann’s famous for his divine power that helps homosexuals “pray away the gay.” If his mystical powers can “cure” homosexuality, it’s only logical that he’s also capable of using the power of prayer to make himself gay. One more prayer for some extra muscles and Bachmann would then be a worthy adversary for Pacquiao. Did we mention Bachmann’s definitely not gay? Like, not even a little bit…at all…we swear.

6) British Rugby Footballer Ian Roberts: Ian Roberts is gay. He’s also 6-foot-5 and plays rugby. Enough said.

5) Esera Tuaolo: Esera Tuaolo is an openly gay former defensive tackle for several NFL teams including the Green Bay Packers and the Minnesota Vikings. He’s 6-foot-2 and weighed about 280 pounds when he was still playing football. He’s also Samoan — and would beat the crap out of Pacquiao.

4) Rosie O’Donnell: She’s Rosie O’Donnell — do you really need an explanation?

3) Clay Aiken: we’ll come clean: there’s no way in hell Aiken could take Pacquiao in a fight — but we’d love to see him try.

2) Adebisi from Oz: Simon Adebisi was arguably the toughest inmate at Oswald State Penitentiary in the HBO prison drama Oz. Granted, Oz is a work of fiction, but Adebisi was so tough — and so gay — that he was often able to force his gayness on others (just ask the scores of inmates he raped during the four seasons he was on the show).

1) John Travolta: Oh…sorry…we forgot — Travolta’s (ahem) totally straight.