The Most Outrageous Lines From the Joan Rivers Roast


We’ve had a couple of days to recover from Comedy Central’s roast of veteran funny lady Joan Rivers, and now that the wonderfully putrid air has cleared, we can look back and remember the choicest bits of appallingly hilarious indecorum (not all of them aimed at Rivers, by the way.)

Among the most memorable:

Kathy Griffin: “Tonight’s going to be gayer than that kid from American Idol this year–Ryan Seacrest!”

Greg Giraldo: “What’s with the surgery, Kathy? You’ve been stitched up thousands of times, but you’re still sad to look at. You’re like the AIDS quilt.”

Giraldo to Mario Cantone: “You’re the only guy who takes a stepladder to a glory hole.”

Jeffrey Ross, referring to Griffin: “When did Howdy Doody fuck Pippi Longstocking? Kathy, I wouldn’t fuck you with Chastity Bono‘s new dick!”

Jeffrey Ross re Robin Quivers: “Face it, without the Howard Stern show, the only thing you’d be saying into a microphone would be, ‘Welcome to Popeye’s. May I take your order?’ “

Jeffrey Ross to Joan Rivers: “Kanye’s mother had a better surgeon. Look at her. She’s a cougar. Freddie Cougar!”

There were also cracks about Cantone’s T-cell count and about how, when a director told Cantone “Take five,” his boyfriend shoved a fist up his ass. I also thought every word out of Whitney Cummings‘s mouth was pricelessly funny. (I wonder if she’s who they got when Lisa Lampanelli declined to do it. If so, it paid off big time.)

Joan–who’s long elevated self-deprecation to an art form–must have been so honored by the whole thing. No, really!