Four Things Plaxico Burress Should Do, Like, Now


1. Call Diddy

In 1999, the Puffy one and his then girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, were arrested after a shooting of three at the New York City hotspot Club NY. Millions in legal fees later, and after putting the stolen weapon that was used in the shooting in the hand of his newest artist, Jamal “Shyne” Barrow, Diddy and J-Lo were cleared of all charges and were free to build on their empires. Plaxico, if a punk like Combs can get away with fleeing the scene of the crime and snitching on his associate, then can’t a superstar receiver figure out his game? Give him a ring.

2. Blame Hip-Hop

When all else fails blame the music that glorifies gangstas, drug dealers and killers. You already started thinking like a rapper, even pulling a classic DMX move— giving a fake name at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center. At least in defense of the has-been rapper, he really couldn’t afford the medical bill. And what man from the hood worth his weight in iced-out jewels isn’t going to defend his street cred by carrying a gun at all times? That’s Hip-Hop code of the street #1.

3. Blame the Recession

Most jocks/rappers know better than to get their hands dirty when it comes to fights, shootings, drugs, etc. Those tasks are normally left to the entourage, but considering that the National Bureau of Economic Research has finally declared a recession, Plax we understand you don’t want to waste another cent of your non-guaranteed $35 million NFL contract on henchmen. It was your duty as a fiscal responsible citizen to carry your own heat.

4. Blame the Booze

When was the last time a 6’5″ footballer got so drunk from a single glass of wine that he mistook his loaded gun with his automatic car starter? Hey, who put something in Plaxico’s vino!