How I’m Contributing to McCain’s Campaign by Lynn Yaeger


I applaud John McCain for his courageous decision to suspend his campaign, wing it back to Congress, and maybe even skip out on tomorrow’s debate with Barack Obama, an event I know he was so looking forward to.

In that spirit, here are a few things I myself am putting on hold so that I can concentrate my full energies on the bailout, which in my case does not involve going to Washington but instead watching channel 43, Fox Business News, which, believe it or not, is my totally favorite television station in the whole world right now. So don’t make the mistake of underestimating my full and deep understanding of the current crisis.

1. I won’t be standing on the humongous line to return unwanted items to Century 21. Who cares about a paltry $50 refund when the fate of the western world — and the eastern one, too, I guess, hangs in the balance?

2. I’ll be canceling invasive gynecological exams. Why worry about gruesome little tests when we could all be wearing barrels accessorized with tin cups tomorrow?

3. I won’t be doing laundry or household chores of any kind. Even though these activities could theoretically be accomplished while watching Fox Business News, I think the national interest is better served by my lying on the sofa, sipping Coke Zero, and giving the tube my undivided attention.

4. I’ll be letting my membership in Weight Watchers lapse. To hell with Coke Zero — if ever there was a moment for pizza, ice cream, and cake, this is it.