Animaniacs

Act I, Scene 1 How Ruff Ryders Roll

ROGER sits in the DRAW DRAW GANG ANIMATION FIRM’S small WAITING ROOM, rubbing the STOMACH of DMX, the company dog. DMX is the most disgusting dog Roger’s ever seen. He continues to rub—partly because he suspects his comfort level with the dog is the secret first part of his interview, partly because the dog’s name is DMX. This dog’s stomach is Roger’s ticket to New York City. This dog’s stomach is not dripping with mud, Roger realizes, just covered with THOUSANDS OF NIPPLES. “Congratulations, you’re hired.” DMX urinates on Roger’s LEFT SHOE.

Scene 2 Were You in the Shit?

Roger meets his boss, GARY, a well-dressed, independently wealthy New York native who talks about how independently wealthy he is and screams a lot. Gary also likes to tell strangers he has the same body type as JASON SCHWARTZMAN. As Roger awaits his first task, he takes note of what his new colleagues are doing at their desks. Some are ANIMATORS. Roger knows this because they all have DIGITAL DRAWING TABLETS, wear HEADPHONES, and aren’t doing any work. One co-worker is FRANKLIN, who has been standing in front of the LASER PRINTER for 10 minutes, gesturing furiously, trying to time his hand motions with when the paper comes out of the machine so it looks like he has some sort of MAGIC POWERS. Next to Roger is SARA, who spends the whole morning reading reviews of the IPOD MINI. Roger asks if she plans on buying one. “No, I’m afraid it’ll make me less productive.”

Scene 3 The W.C.

Roger uses the BATHROOM. Unlike ordinary bathrooms, this one has no toilet paper, paper towels, soap, or toilet seat—just thousands upon thousands of EXTINGUISHED MATCHES. Roger sees a drawing above the toilet. It is a TALKING MATCH named MATCHY. Matchy says, “Use me, Matchy, to destroy your foul stench.” A stench is foul by definition, though. Roger is bothered by the redundancy.

Scene 4 Gold Train Awards

Clearly having what it takes to make it in New York, Roger continues to do whatever Gary asks him to do—initially scheduling meetings, then canceling doctor’s appointments, then picking up TRASH Gary threw on the floor to test Roger’s loyalty to the company, then calling Austria to change the address for where the Nazis are sending Gary’s father’s HOLOCAUST REPARATION CHECKS, then carrying DRYWALL up 10 blocks and four floors because Gary wanted to see if he could punch through drywall. Roger wonders what he was hired to do exactly. He approaches Gary and asks for a JOB DESCRIPTION. Gary says, “Why don’t you write what you think your job description is and I’ll revise it.” Roger gives the description to Gary. Gary OK’s the job description, adding just one more task: “Do whatever Gary says.”

Scene 5 Shouts and Murmurs

Gary acknowledges he’s taken advantage of Roger a bit, so as a payback offers him the opportunity to meet FAMOUS NEW YORKERS at a party he’s hosting. When Roger shows up, Gary gives him the GUEST LIST and tells him to go outside and man the door; that’s where the famous New Yorkers will be. The most famous New Yorker who shows up is LOU REED, who leaves after five minutes anyway. When he leaves, Roger tells him, “Take care, Mr. Reed.” Lou Reed says, “I’m not actually Lou Reed.”

Scene 6 Safe Sex

Roger leaves the office to buy Gary a BOTTLE OF GREEN TEA. Roger buys unsweetened tea, but Gary wanted sweetened. Gary flips out. “Are you wearing a condom? Because you totally just fucked me.” Roger is not wearing a condom.

Act II, Scene 1 Who’s the Boss?

Gary announces he’s hired an old friend named FANCY to produce Draw Draw Gang’s next show. Fancy, Fancy explains, has done many things but one thing in particular. One time somebody “dissed” Fancy (Fancy’s scare quotes). Fancy found out the guy lived on PARK AVENUE, in the PENTHOUSE of a HIGH-RISE. Since nobody is allowed to dis Fancy, and since Fancy is a fabulously wealthy New Yorker himself, he built a penthouse on top of this man’s penthouse, thereby robbing said penthouse of its penthouse status. “And I don’t even live there,” explains Fancy. “All I got is a desk in there, with the fastest computer ever built sitting on that desk. And I haven’t even turned that computer on.”

Scene 2 April Is Cruel

As was customary by his third week of working for this self-exonerating eccentric genius, Roger puts a STACK OF SCRIPTS on Gary’s desk for Gary to read. Gary accidentally knocks into his desk; all the papers fall onto the floor. “WHO THE FUCK PUT PAPERS ON MY DESK?!” Roger put the papers on his desk. “DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING PUT PAPERS ON MY DESK AGAIN.” Then Gary takes a half-hour to crumple each individual page of the scripts, throwing the paper balls into the trash can like basketballs, yelling at Roger to “alley-oop” when he misses, which is every time. When Gary asks Roger where all the scripts are he needs to read that day, Roger explains Gary has just thrown them out. Gary yells at Roger for not being a team player.

Scene 3 Assholes Are Crueler

“Here are the new scripts.”

“Just put them on my desk.”

Scene 4 Dog Days

DMX escapes from the office.

DMX’s owner, a Russian immigrant named GREGOR, starts yelling at everyone, “Who let the dog out?! Who let the dog out?!” in broken if not completely devastated English, not understanding why the rest of the office is so amused.

Scene 5 Black and Blue

Fancy announces he has designated himself OFFICE BULLY. Fancy calls people PUSSIES and shows people his BIG MUSCLES. Roger decides to bring in his IPOD to drown out the bully. Fancy snaps off the headphones from Roger’s head. “What did I say about wearing headphones in the office?!” Fancy hadn’t said anything about wearing headphones in the office. “What if I need to yell at you?” Fancy yells, showing

Roger his muscles. “And what are you listening to, rap music? That’s not even music, that’s just . . . rapping.” Roger points out to Fancy that Fancy used to manage SHAGGY, the famous rapper who went diamond with “IT WASN’T ME.” Fancy explains: “Yeah, but that man was a genius.”

Scene 6 Reaganomics

Roger’s MOTHER calls Roger; she hasn’t heard from him in weeks and is worried. Roger impatiently asks his mother if she’s forwarded his issues of THE NEW YORKER yet, since Roger never updated his subscription address and the CONDÉ NAST WEBSITE is completely impossible to navigate. Roger’s mother hasn’t. “Mom, are you wearing a condom?”

Act III, Scene 1 The Morning After

“I need you to get me one of these immediately,” Gary says to Roger. Gary is pointing to a photo online of a baby BOSTON TERRIER. “I need you to get me this dog today, because I probably won’t want one next week and then I’ll have to leave it in some alley like I did with the last three dogs.” Roger thinks Gary shouldn’t have a dog but keeps it to himself. Roger also notes that the dog Gary’s pointing to looks hilariously like Gary.

Scene 2 Spayed or Neutered

After spending nearly 12 straight hours on the phone, Roger tells Gary he did it—he found Gary a dog. “We did it,” Gary corrects. “Is it a boy or a girl?” Roger says he has found a female Boston terrier. “I CAN’T FUCKING HAVE A GIRL PUPPY! THOSE THINGS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING! WHENEVER YOU RUB THEIR STOMACHS YOU FEEL ALL THEIR NIPPLES!”

Scene 3 Fancypants

“I need to know Gary’s schedule next week from 9 to 11 every day!” Fancy tells Roger. Roger politely explains to Fancy he can take care of this in a second. “A second? Look at my expensive watch. Look. You see, it took you a second just to say ‘a second.’ ” Roger explains he needs to start up the calendar application on his computer to find out Gary’s schedule. “Your computer’s such a pussy.”

Scene 4 Start Spreading the News

Fancy and Gary both approach Roger as he finishes up his search for Gary’s dog. Gary keeps screaming really loudly, “FIND ME A BOY!” Fancy keeps screaming about Roger being such a pussy all the time. Roger breaks down and asks both of them if they could stop screaming, because it’s been a long day. Fancy says, “No, you stop screaming. I’m your boss.” Gary and Fancy fight over who’s actually Roger’s boss. Exhausted, Roger excuses himself and hides in the bathroom. He throws up, lights a match, and quits the next day.

End Show.

Nick Sylvester is currently unemployed.