Le Freak, C’est Chic

If you think Karl Lagerfeld looks weird in pictures, then you should see him in person. Around midnight, nearly three hours into the Visionaire/Chanel party at the Tribeca Grand on Tuesday, the already buzzing roomful of fashionistas buzzed even louder. “Karl is here!” His entrance took some pressure off Christina Ricci, who up to that point had to bear the responsibility of being the Most Famous Celebrity at the Party. Ricci, I might add, is also stranger-looking in person than in pictures, with an oversized head and scrawny figure.

Soulwax/2 Many DJs (the duo behind the cross-pollination of artists like New Order with Detroit Grand Pubahs and Emerson, Lake and Palmer with Basement Jaxx) played to a truly absurd combination of people, which included super-beautiful model Alek Wek, photogs Ellen Von Unwerth and Mario Testino, and designers Hedi Slimane and Zac Posen. “The unwanted house guest” on The Osbournes sat in a corner by himself. “IT DJs” Tommie Sunshine and Felix Da Housecat (just move here already!) had to rise early after a hard night of partying for a photo shoot with Lagerfeld himself before jetting off to a gig in Spain.

One British woman named Tammie had the best/most ridiculous (you decide) accessory of the night: a white Maltese dog named Archie, whom she claimed was “drunk on double vodkas.”

Lagerfeld—who had received a lifetime achievement award from the Council of Fashion Designers of America the previous night—smartly avoided the front-row holding pen of paparazzi (they occasionally threw the photogs a bone or a drink), and entered on the side, scoring a seat right near the stage where Glenn Tilbrook of Squeeze was performing an acoustic version of their biggest hit, “Tempted.”

If you managed to shove your way past the throng waiting to kiss Lagerfeld’s newly svelte ass, you would’ve gotten a good look at the eccentric designer, who greeted everyone like he was the king of some imaginary court. Mr. Freaky’s even got a new cookbook due in October giving tips on how to shed the weight (what, it’s not the typical model diet of coke, cigarettes, and cocktails?).

But whether or not you thought he looked too skinny, Lagerfeld’s orange-toned skin, tinted shades, and very big white-powdered and ponytailed head was an unnerving sight. Said my friend, “He looks like a wax statue of himself at Madame Tussaud’s Museum.”

Ukrainians do it better, especially if they’re holding a party for Queens of the Stone Age. Thrown last Friday night at Second Avenue’s Ukrainian Home by Jennie Boddy and Interscope Records, it was more festive than your usual schmooze-and-booze affair, with hired help that included a mime—who tried to switch my boss’s umbrella for a cane—and a midget, whose job was apparently just to hang around and be himself. Sean from the Toilet Boys, and Theo, the sexy, tattooed lead singer of the Lunachicks, rocked out with their cocks out to DJ Bag Lady and DJ Boozy Jo‘s (a/k/a Girlie Action‘s Jo Murray) mash-up of punk and rock. Newly crowned Queen Dave Grohl—who is pounding the skins again—engaged the mime in some lighthearted teasing. When the frisky clown got on his hands and knees to brush off Grohl’s feet, Grohl suggestively lifted his shirt. A raffle was held, with prizes including a blowup doll named Chloe (no relation or resemblance to you-know-who), who came complete with the correct orifice. Classy!

A local indie film producer whose movie played at Cannes recently came back from the fest aghast. Apparently the festival—held on the French Riviera—was overrun by hookers, many of them hooked on the arms of high-profile studio executives. (Rumor has it that they even have expense accounts set aside for this very purpose.) Women with Russian accents, see-through dresses, and big hair (what is this, New Jersey?) abounded. The best bit: One married studio head sent his younger, cuter assistant to procure a prostitute for him. After the assistant brokered a deal—a cool $8G for the night—he brought her back to the studio maverick’s room. Upon seeing the older, larger, and uglier man whom she’d been brought to service, the forthright hooker insisted that she be on top the whole time and that she get double the price! Um, go girl?!

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